Issue 127
The Acupuncture Face-lift
by Jamie Bufalino

New technologies have allowed me to upgrade the procedure. In 2005 I have added thermolysis to the protocol to speed up and hold the facial changes.
Like most guys, I crave a challenge. That's why I made sure to get nice and wasted on margaritaesque Brazilian concoctions called caipirinhas the night before my early-morning introduction to the "acupuncture face-lift."
My queasy condition worsens when my acupuncturist, Phyllis Shapiro, has me read a disclaimer that describes (in her words) "everything that Western medicine thinks could go wrong with my treatment." Luckily, Ms. Shapiro's demeanor is so soothing, it makes the concept of having sharp objects stuck in your face seem somehow less deranged. She coolly walks me through the process, telling me how she's going to "thread" pins into my facial "meridians." She talks about how perforating the skin will activate my immune system, sending fluid and blood rushing to the site. The pins, she says, will " direct the body's energy into areas that need care." She stops to compliment me on my essentially wrinkle-free face before gently and for the most part painlessly sticking in the needles.
My left ear is the first spot to experience the mosquito-bite like sensation, but before I know it, my whole mug has been punctured. Having achieved full pin-head status, I truly do feel energy or, as the Chinese like to call it, Qi pulsing through my body. But being woefully unenlightened, the best I can do is compare it to a really great caffeine rush. As for my face, it initially looks a little worse for wear, but soon afterward, I possess a healthy glow that would have made the Buddha himself jealous of my latest incarnation.
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